Knockin' on Heaven's Door
by Momoko Glace
Summary: Mainly about Revolutionary Girl Utena, but has mentions of Evangelion in it. ^^ The cast dies and goes to the Pearly Gates! What happens there? ...You'll have to read to find out. ^^ R&R! (Not for devout Christians.)


Disclaimer: I was high on caffeine and I had just eaten a small lump of chocolate. Oh, and I don't own Utena. The gods known as the Be-Papas do. @_____@ Worship them! Flames will be dealt with accordingly. ::pets the rabid Chuchu:: ^^  
  
::St. Peter is off golfing with Nagisa Kaworu, so God is conveniently taking over at the Pearly Gates.::  
  
God: (no, not Dios... I mean THE big guy :P) NEEEEEEEEEEXT!  
  
::Touga walks up to the Pearly Gates::  
  
Touga: Hello. ::smirks and adjusts his head:: I suppose this is another wing of Ohtori-Gakuen I wasn't informed about?  
  
God: Uh, no, son. ::mumbles:: The boy's dense, I tell ya, denser than wood... ::louder:: You were killed in a dueling accident. Now, give me your name.  
  
Touga: ::brushes his hand through his hair:: Kiryuu Touga. ::flashes bishounen smile::  
  
God: Kiryuu.. Kiryuu.... Kiryuu... You're listed as "there's a chance, but about as much chance as Hell freezing over and Satan enjoying a Snow Cone." Give me a good reason and I shall let you into heaven, my son.  
  
Touga: ::bishie smile:: I'm me. I've brought intense happiness to many people at my school. ::smirk::  
  
God: Hmmmm.......  
  
Touga: My parents are filthy rich and will pay you a ridiculous amount of money to let me in here, you know.  
  
God: Oh, my son, welcome to heaven! ::opens the Pearly Gates::  
  
Touga: Dude.  
  
God: Money works everywhere, son. ::Touga skips happily in and starts screwing random angels:: ...Dammit. ::writes something down on a notepad:: NEXT!  
  
::Nanami skips up::  
  
God: What a sweet little girl! ::smiles:: And what's your name, miss?  
  
Nanami: ::glances inside:: MY ONIICHAN IS IN THERE! ::kicks God in a very tender place:: LET ME IN! I WANNA BE WITH ONIICHAN! ::glass shatters far off and a heavenly car alarm rings::  
  
God: o.o .....My ears hurt....... And ow! Fine! Ya little brat... ::takes some Heavenly Aspirin and chases it with a little Jack Daniels::  
  
Nanami: ^.^ Yay! ONIICHAN! ::skips happily into Heaven::  
  
God: ::chugs the bottle:: Next up!  
  
::Anthy and Utena walk up::  
  
God: ...Names, please?  
  
Utena: Tenjou Utena!  
  
Anthy: Himemiya Anthy. ^^ How do you do?  
  
Utena: Ah, cut the Rose Bride crap already, Anthy! We're both dead!  
  
God: ::leans over the podium:: And how did you die?  
  
Utena: Anthy can't drive worth a shit and ended up crushing me in that damn car-cruncher thing! (Movie reference)  
  
Anthy: Well, it was YOUR directions! You're just like a man!  
  
Utena: ::sticks her tongue out::  
  
God: ::swallows more aspirin:: Would you two happen to be Tenjou Utena and Himemiya Anthy from Shoujo Kakumei Utena?  
  
Both: Yeah, why?  
  
God: ...Damn you to hell for being lesbians! ::a million angels rise up::  
  
::suddenly, a tall blond girl who looks like Nanami pops up::  
  
Girl: Yello! This is Lilly. I happen to like yuri and yaoi. ^^ There will be none of that in this fic, thank you very much!  
  
God: ...Why should I listen to you?  
  
Lilly: I have pictures of you and Adam in Eden, and I know both Lilith and Eve! ::beat:: Oh yeah, I'm also the authoress. Authoress beats God in a fanfic. ::disappears in a sparkle of purple and gray lights:  
  
God: Damn! ::grumble:: Utena, you're listed as a "maybe." Give me a good reason to let you into heaven, and you may pass.  
  
Utena: Uh... I've been princely my whole life?  
  
God: Deeds alone will not get you into heaven.  
  
Utena: Yo, I risked my life in the movie and in the series to rescue my best friend, dammit! LET ME IN!  
  
God: SECURITY! ::the security angels, who look a lot like Rei, Asuka, Shinji, and Toji pop up and grab ahold of Anthy and Utena:: Take them down below!  
  
Anthy: Ooo, kinky! ::they all disappear::  
  
God: ::rubs his temples:: Neeeeext...  
  
::Saionji strides up. Female angels and fanboy angels lean against the gate and sigh longingly. He smirks and glares up at God.::  
  
Saionji: Kyouichi Saionji. ::adjusts his arms::  
  
God: Saionji? How the hell did you die?  
  
Saionji: ::blushes and mumbles something::  
  
God: Whazzat?  
  
Saionji: I was playing with the food processor and got... something... a little too close to the blade... ::his hands and random parts of his body fall off. He picks his head back up.::  
  
God: And I thought you couldn't be any dumber. (AN: I like Saionji and all, but he's easy to make fun of.)  
  
Saionji: Hn.  
  
God: You're listed as a "Lilly will lose her obsession with the name Bob soon." (near impossible ;P) Give me one good reason, and you shall be let into my wonderful kingdom.  
  
Lilly's Voice: Hehehehe... bob... heehehe....  
  
Saionji: O.o;; Uhhhh... I was very dedicated to my one true love in the course of my life?  
  
Random Ohtori-Gakuen Girls: LIIIIIIES! ALL LIES! I'm carrying your child!  
  
Random Ohtori-Gakuen Girl #4830493: Wait! I am!  
  
Random Ohtori-Gakuen Girl #59034930432: Nuh-uh, I am!  
  
All: SAIONJI YOU BITCH! ::they all swarm him::  
  
Saionji: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ::Fades::  
  
God: O.O;; Dude... Ohtori-Gakuen sure has some head cases... ::swallows some pills out of a Ziploc bag:: @___@ Trippy. NEXT!  
  
::Keiko, Yuuko, and Aiko walk up::  
  
God: More lesbians?  
  
Keiko: No! I'm Touga's future wife!  
  
Yuuko: Nuh-uh, I am!  
  
Aiko: You're both screwed in the head! I AM! ::they all start catfighting::  
  
God: I don't have time for this... ::rubs his forehead:: SECURITY! ::Asuka appears with a heavenly crane and pushes them all down a pit to hell:: Next!  
  
Miki: ::dragging a piano behind him:: ^^ Hello!  
  
Fangirl Angels: ::SQUEALLLLLLLL!::  
  
Miki: O.o  
  
God: Ah, Kaoru Miki. You can go on in.  
  
Miki: Don't I have to give a reason?  
  
God: Your sister put in a good word for you. ^_~  
  
Miki: O_O Kozue is in heaven?!  
  
God: Heeheehee... hell yes.  
  
Miki: I DON'T WANNA GO! ::he dives into the pit::  
  
God: O.o;; Dude. NEXT!  
  
::Shiori walks up with a smile::  
  
Shiori: Takatsuki Shiori.  
  
God: ...You're unlisted.  
  
Shiori: Oh? You know... I'm even better than Kozue...  
  
God: Oh? ^_~ Meet me in the Heavenly Hall later.  
  
Shiori: ::mumble:: Pervert... But ah well, I'm better than Juri now! ::cackles::  
  
::a house randomly drops on Shiori::  
  
Juri: ::right behind:: I knew she was the Wicked Bitch of the West.  
  
God: And who are you?  
  
Juri: Arisugawa Juri. But you needn't look. This is all a dream and I'll wake up anytime, because the miracle of even approaching heaven won't happen.  
  
God: ::thinking:: What a screwball... ::aloud:: No, Juri, you were killed in a freak accident when a large yellow cow dropped from six stories above and squished you.  
  
Juri: Moron.  
  
God: All right, you're pissing me off! No heaven for you! ::Shinji drags her off::  
  
Shinji: Don't you have the same seiyuu as Misato-san?  
  
Juri: Yes.  
  
Shinji: You're a lot calmer.  
  
Juri: Hn. ::fades::  
  
God: NEEEEEEEEEEEXT! ::silence:: NEEEEEEEEXT! ::glance:: TSUWABUKI MITSURU, YOU'RE UP NEXT! (Trivia question for theatre geeks: What play is this from?)  
  
Mitsuru: ::pops up in a frilly pink apron and bearing a tray of cookies:: Yes, Nanami-sama?  
  
God: What the hell? Do I look like Nanami?  
  
Mitsuru: ...You've got white hair and naughty bits, but yes, you do.  
  
God: Mitsuru, you're listed as a "probably." What have you done in your life that is so admirable I should let you into heaven?  
  
Mitsuru: I've been a good boy, Santa.  
  
God: I'm not Santa!  
  
Mitsuru: You look like the love child of Santa Claus and Nanami-sama.  
  
God: I do not!  
  
Mitsuru: Do too!  
  
God: DO NOT!  
  
Mitsuru: Yes you do! NANAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (keep in mind he has Relena's voice.... this is gonna get annoying.)  
  
God: Dammit, leave me alone! ::cries and chugs more whiskey:: REI!  
  
::Rei quietly pushes Mitsuru into the pit::  
  
Nanami: What the hell? There go all my slaves! ::cries::  
  
God: Dammitttttttttt! ::brings Keiko, Yuuko, and Aiko back and puts them in Heaven::  
  
Nanami: ^_^ Yay!  
  
God: Next!  
  
Wakaba: ::GLOMP:: HIIIIII!  
  
God: ::his face is pressed into the podium:: Urf...  
  
Wakaba: ^^ Hi hi hi hi! I think I should be let into heaven 'cause I'm nice and sweet unless I'm under the influence of a Black Rose!  
  
God: What happens then?  
  
Wakaba: I go all psycho and try to kill the special people! ::giggle::  
  
God: Well, I'll make sure to keep you away from Black Roses. ::pushes Wakaba off of his back and into heaven:: NEXT!  
  
::Mikage and Mamiya take their time walking up.::  
  
Mikage: Souji Mikage. And this is my gay lover, Chida Mamiya.  
  
Mamiya: Mikage...  
  
Mikage: Mamiya... ::drawn-out yaoi lemon on the clouds::  
  
God: O_O That's just wrong! Mikage is a figment of someone's imagination and you're both dead! DAMMIT, STOP IT!  
  
Mikage: ::straightens his clothes:: Sorry. ::clears throat::  
  
God: You people are all sick! NEXT!  
  
::Tatsuya and Ruka pop in::  
  
God: Tatsuya can go in.  
  
Tatsuya: Wow, that was easy.  
  
God: I want you to keep Wakaba away from sharp objects and black roses.  
  
Tatsuya: Thanks. ^^ ::walks in::  
  
Ruka: ::follows::  
  
God: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where the hell are you going?  
  
Ruka: Uh... Heaven?  
  
God: Why?  
  
Ruka: ^_~ Shiori.  
  
God: ~_^ Ah. ::shuts the gate as Akio walks up:: Ohtori Akio!  
  
Akio: Yeeeees?  
  
God: Some of your students say that you're the devil himself in a prince's clothing.  
  
Akio: ::Casually:: What of it?  
  
God: You're not setting foot in heaven.  
  
Akio: Man, screw you! I want the pretty angel chicks!  
  
God: Security!  
  
Shinji and Toji: Actually... we have to agree with him. We want the pretty angel chicks too!  
  
Asuka: YOU SONS OF BITCHES! ::clobbers them both::  
  
Shinji and Toji: Oww...  
  
Rei: Yes, sir?  
  
God: Take him away!  
  
Akio: No way! ::pushes God into a plothole and takes over heaven::  
  
  
  
Okay, that was screwed up. @____@ But I was high on caffeine. Please review! ^^ 


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